Good News and Bad News
by ClassyAsBollocks
Summary: Arthur Kirkland sits his twin sons Alfred and Matthew down to tell them that he and their mother are getting divorced. He goes about this in a manner about as tactful as shoving a hot poker up someone's ass, with very messy results, as they grow up to be maladjusted sociopaths. Apparently, a trip to Disneyland doesn't quite make up for discovering that your parents love was a sham


**Disclaimer: Remember kids: It's always your fault. Always…**

One fine spring day, Arthur Kirkland sat his four-year-old sons Alfred and Matthew on his lap in the living room. "Boys, I have good news and bad news for you…" He trailed off uncomfortably, wondering how he might soften the blow. "Well, you see," he continued, only to fall silent once more when he was met with innocent sky-blue and amethyst-purple eyes blinking up at him.

"What's wrong, dad?" Alfred asked. "Is this about how you've been playing horsey with the neighbour lady?" He added. Arthur's heavy eyebrows knitted together as he furrowed his forehead in bewilderment.

"Wait, what?" Arthur said blankly. Matthew smiled mildly, shoving a fly-away golden curl away from his face only for it to stubbornly bounce back into place.

"Yeah papa, we saw you riding on top of the neighbour lady's back two days ago when we passed by your room on our way to the playroom," he said. Arthur gulped.

_Oh bollocks. _He thought, tugging nervously at his collar. "Well boys, you see, we were just…

"Playing horsey, duh!' Alfred said with a roll of his eyes. Beside him, Matthew nodded fervently and clutched his stuffed polar bear closer to his chest. Arthur inwardly heaved a sigh of relief.

"Yes, we were playing horsey. Indeed. Uh-huh. And nothing else," he answered quickly.

"Papa, what was it that you wanted to tell us?" Matthew questioned, tugging at the hem of his father's sweater vest.

Arthur ran a hand through his hair. "Your mother and I are getting divorced," he said heavily. Alfred and Matthew blinked.

"What's a divorce?" Matthew asked. Arthur sighed, wondering how to explain the gravity of the situation to his sons. He was tempted to sugarcoat it, take the sting out of the situation, but he quickly quashed that train of thought in favour of giving them the cold, hard truth. Better to tell the truth and draw tears than tell a lie and draw smiles; his boys deserved honesty, not falsehoods. Why give children false hope only to have it come crashing around their ears, anyway? It was definitely the crueler of the two…

"Well boys, you see, your mother and I don't love each other anymore and as soon as the papers are finalized, I'm moving out of the house," Arthur said. The words were barely out of his mouth before Alfred and Matthew burst into tears. Smiling, he raised his finger to his mouth in a shushing motion to quiet them.

"Now now, boys, don't fret; I'll be engaging your mum in a horrible months-long custody battle in order to see which of us you'll be staying with," he continued. "I've already got the statement from her boss that she's an unreliable, nymphomaniac trollop."

"What does _that_ mean?" Alfred hiccupped, wiping his eyes. Arthur smiled placidly.

"It means that your mother plays horsey with many different men and has been doing so since before you were born. Bloody hell, when I said that your mother and I no longer love each other…That was a lie; we've never loved each other." Arthur's eyes grew frenzied as he recounted his soon-to-be-ex -wife's many transgressions. "Our marriage…It ended the day you were born," he said, laughing wildly as something fragile in his mind shattered. Alfred and Matthew threw one another a terrified glance as their father's hands grasped onto the arms of his chair so forcefully that it seemed like the wood might crack. "Oh yes, it ended the bloody day the two of you were born, if it was ever there at all! A lie, the whole thing! Those vows we took meant absolutely NOTHING! But nothing! Our whole marriage has been built around LIES! One day, I'll explain to you what a farce is, but for now, take it as this: It's when a man accidentally impregnates a girl that he met in a nightclub in the backseat of his car and marries her in a courthouse in order to raise their children."

Matthew rubbed his flushed cheeks, sniffling. "Then what's the _good _news?!" He sobbed. Wiping some of his rage-induced spittle from the corner of his mouth, Arthur settled back in his chair, putting his arms around his sons shoulders, who flinched.

"We're going to DISNEYLAND!" He announced grandly. Alfred and Matthew burst into another bout of tears and ran out of the room.

_-Eleven years later- _

"And that's how Mickey Mouse ruined our lives," Alfred said, jerking his thumb at his brother Matthew. "Any questions?" He asked his classmates, who were all staring at them in numb silence.

The teacher coughed. "Er, I believe that's a good enough synopsis of your child psychology assignment, boys," Mr. Yao said. "You can return to your seats now-Oh wait, do you have a question, Ivan?"

"Da," the tall Russian student said. "Do you two have a history of setting fires?" He asked. Matthew slipped a skull-emblazoned lighter out of his pocket and began to flick it on and off.

"You want us to stop over at your place after school so you can find out?" He said quietly. Ivan blinked.

"No thank you," he hastened to say. Alfred's mouth curled up into a smirk.

"Too bad, we're coming over anyway."

The classroom went silent, punctuated only by the incessant clicking of Matthew's lighter.


End file.
